Solutions
1 The Beginning
High above, a single red-tailed hawk rode the uplifting warm draft. Ian imagined that the sun shining on the surface of the cliff above the small babbling brook heated the air to provide the hawk the means to stay afloat. His flight seemed endless and effortless. He imagined feeling the air lifting him and allowing him the freedom of such flight.
The cool water rushed across his feet, as he carefully bent to lift a rock and catch his next Iowa shrimp. This was what Ian called the crawfish he had skillfully gathered and put in his basket. Ian was a nature boy wandering the woods and fields in the wild area where he lived. He wandered far and wide.
He knew all the places where some good treat was available. Up on top of the hill was a pond full of his Iowa oysters, better known locally as clams. He would wade into the pond and find the clams with his feet, put his foot under them and then lift them up to his extended hand.
In the spring he would walk through the moist, leaf covered forest areas and gather the morel mushrooms. He ate them fried with a little olive oil and accompanied with eggs from the chickens his family raised.
The mulberry trees sporting their long, sweet berries were the next providers of a great treat. He would eat as many as he picked for the rest of the family.
The yellow-pink blush raspberries with their refreshing and juicy sweet slightly tart taste were next in line to be sought.
Then high summer provided tons of blackberries if you could survive the pain of the thorns that stubbornly defended them.
He grew up poor but well fed and happy.
Nature provided treats. Ian extended this to the world around him.
He came to realized that nature provided but it was the human that horded and selfishly made it hard for others to be relaxed and enjoy life.
People seemed to have a shortage mentality.
Perhaps in the early history of humans, it made the difference of survival or death. However, now the population had reached into the billions of peoples, and it seemed to Ian that it was now the time where the human could focus on letting everyone enjoy life.
This mind set colored his perspective.
It seemed to Ian that like the sun, humans should warm the air and let people float like the hawk rides the warm air as glide the air.
They should learn to enjoy.
In spite of this positive outlook, Ian was pulled into a life he had never envisioned for himself.
He was destined for something that countered all of his philosophical and humanistic thoughts.
He would become the antithesis of his generous practice and outlook. He would live both the yin and the yang as he passed through the world.
In 1967 Ian volunteered for the Navy to avoid being drafted.
The US government was drafting young men into the army to fight in Vietnam. Ian had to look up Vietnam on the map to learn where it was located. Then he wondered how such a tiny nation could possibly be a threat to the US.
The draft directly impacted him, and he decided he should study the history of the Asian region.
He learned that the French had screwed the country and its peoples for more than three hundred years. They had exploited the Vietnamese people and taken the products, the minerals and even the women back to Europe.
Many women stained their teeth purple to be less attractive to the French.
After World War two the Vietnamese patriots, yes patriots, soundly defeated the French in the Battle of Dien Bien Phu forcing the French to withdraw from Indochina.
But the Vietnamese were screwed one more time by having their country divided at the 17th parallel with promised elections to follow.
Ian learned that the US in its own paranoia with communism, saw the Vietnamese in the north as a communist threat and seemed to organically slip in to replace the French.
Ian sadly learned that his hero from his younger years, President Kennedy made the first commitment of US support to a series of corrupt South Vietnamese government dictators.
Ian wondered how this war would have turned out had Kennedy lived.
His actions greatly diminished him as a hero figure to Ian. Kennedy had worried about a re-election that he did not live to see.
Ian knew that President Johnson inherited a mess, and his ignorance and hubris led him down the slope to his own demise and earning him a place in history as the leader who killed more people than any other figure in history.
The Gulf of Tonkin incident, which led to a major US escalation of its involvement confirmed to the North Vietnamese that in their second phase of revolution, the US was now substituting for the French.
It truly became the American War.
Damn the French and damn the clueless US Admirals and Generals advising a President that was afraid to acknowledge that the US screwed up in supporting a series of corrupt South Vietnamese governments.
Ian thought again how stupid the US leadership had been and that if they would have come to stand with him in the pitch-black dark surrounding, he and his fifty-caliber machine gun, they would have reached different decisions and made different commitments.
He decided the safe place was to be in the US Navy.
He volunteered.
His enlistment contract was for six years. It included training as an Electronics technician, training as a Nuclear Reactor Operator, and admittance to the NESEP program where he would become an engineer and an office.
The Electronics school training was invigorating for Ian. It was rapid, practical learning and application.
During this period, he had a brief romance but realized that he would not marry while in the military. He just did not have the control over his life that he felt he would need to be a good husband.
He was given temporary orders to the USS Gunston Hall LSD 5 located in San Diego while he waited on the opening to the Nuclear Power school just outside of San Francisco. The ship was a World War Two left over being used to train navy crewmen.
He had just gotten onboard when he learned of the deployment of the ship to deliver three of the USS New Jersey’s sixteen-inch gun barrels.
The New Jersey was off the Coast of Vietnam where it was providing artillery support to the troops.
Ian took it in stride.
He was after all on a ship.
Three barrels for the New Jersey was the max weight capacity for the Gunston Hall.
The battleship fired nine barrels!
Ian focused on his duties. He had a knack for fixing things and soon all the electronics gear on the ship was performing at top notch.
The gun barrels were delivered.
The next assignment for the ship was a surprise to everyone. The ship was to house and manage the deployment of three “Tango Boats” to open the rivers of South Vietnam. The three boats consisted of two mortar and machine escort boats. The third boat consisted of a large tank of napalm and a giant squirt gun that fired a six-foot sausage of flaming napalm the distance of about three football fields.
It was what Ian thought of as the boat from hell.
The Gunston Hall was outfitted with eight fifty caliper machine gun positions.
The captain wanted each of the ships departments to volunteer to man one of the fifty caliper machine gun positions.
Ian’s department was assigned the right bow position. No one was willing, and the department had no volunteer.
Ian stepped forward and said he would do it. He also volunteered for the fifty-caliber machine gun on the landing craft escort boat. The landing craft boat served as an escort with the duty to save the tango boat crew if it capsized during the transition from the sea to the river mouth.
The transition from the ship to the river mouth was always made in the dark of night. For Ian, the dark was absolute. The dark was both a friend and foe. Ian fought a constant battle with the dark.
For Ian there was the dark of night, the darkness in his mind and the darkness of his soul.
The last darkness bothered him greatly.
Later it would be the dark of night that too often would trigger memories of being in a lush green, bountiful, country where the children could be seen frolicking in the river and families prospered but where the patriots of that country were fighting against the US and that meant him.
The situation and the part Ian played in it was the darkness of his soul.
He wondered if there was really a God that would forgive him?
He had at one time almost gone into the priesthood. Some inner doubt had surfaced as he pursued the seminary route and he had taken a different path.
At that time, he had not foreseen how different his path would be.
It was the darkness of his mind that generated such bitterness at the misery, the suffering and death he participated in perpetrating on people only wanting to live in their country undisturbed by outsiders.
He and his fifty-caliber machine gun were there to deliver the bitter fruits of death.
In the dark of the night, the scene was always the same variation.
It always would pull him in.
At the mouth of some unknown river, he would once again be on station behind his fifty-caliber machine gun.
He stood alone in three hundred and sixty degrees of absolute darkness. It was a dark, a dark as black as ink in a bottle. The exception was the trillions of stars in the sky. These were constant reminders of the small points of hope he apprehensively held.
No moon was a blessing to Ian. There seemed to be less fighting in pitch black of a moonless sky.
The moon was not the beginning of a lover’s scene. It was the beginning of a recurring nightmare.
Ian recalled the quiet as he strained to pick up any sound.
The sound he was most concerned about was the sound of the bullet that he would never hear.
The one that would kill him.
He knew it would be the single answer to the stream of fifty caliber bullet rounds he sent out.
In the future, his mind reproduced the salty odor of fermenting sea weeds. His face felt the warm coastal sea breeze. His hands felt the double handle grips on the fifty.
His recurring nightmares felt real, smelled real, tasted real and produced the sweat he experienced when standing in the sun.
He was there. There, off the coast or there at the river’s mouth or there escorting the Tangos.
His mind and body thought he was there.
He was always alone on station, except for the ammo boxes, the post mounted fifty and beside it a post mounted thirty caliber.
He was either on the bow of the ship or on the back of the escort landing craft.
He was always with the fifty.
It became part of his soul.
It was still with him; and it would forever be with him.
On station, he listened intently for any sound, any advance warning of enemy action. It was an enemy he almost never saw. An enemy that sent mortar and machine gun fire his way.
He never fired unless he had a target.
His station used less ammo than any station on the ship, but Ian knew he was more deadly. His fifty did not fire unless there was someone that he could see at the receiving end.
He shot only at a shooting enemy.
Each night he relived the listening.
Listening for the bullet meant for him.
He knew that he would never hear the bullet that killed him, but he strained to hear its sound.
He listened with a mind draining intensity.
Ian knew that a part of his mind was broken, and he doubted it would ever heal.
The fifty caliber didn’t have any nuclear power, but it had brutal, penetrating, flesh tearing firepower. Its five-inch, powder filled shell casing launched its copper coated kiss of death, which ripped through most armor and still maintained its ability to cut a person in two. There was no way to argue or bargain when the fifty found its mark.
He stood alone in the dark. His fifty, with its red tracers delivering the kiss of anguish and death.
It was a two-way street, he dished it out, but the incoming could take him out.
He knew, when the fight began, there was no one but him at the fifty. He would stand alone, and he always prayed that the enemy wouldn’t find him.
He prayed, not as kneel down, and pray in church, but as in, God dammit don’t let the bastards figure out where I am, type of praying.
He thought of it as a vulgar, desperate prayer for survival and he prayed often and fervently.
He would take vulgar praying over the bullet meant for him.
In the darkness, the rapid pulsing of the fifty, the red stream, his cotton ear plugs and the sharp metallic flavor of gun powder on the back of his tongue were so real that he knew he was back in the dark.
He recalled and could feel the heat from the red-hot barrel of the fifty.
He saw the red tracers racing toward the target and their sweeping motion as he painted the target area. He could not see, but he felt the carnage he was delivering with the lead being hurled at a velocity of twice the speed of sound.
Those on the receiving end never heard the bullet that killed them. It killed in silence except for the occasional brief screaming of the victim.
Ian had put his emotions on hold. They were frozen in the frigid, blackness deep in his mind.
He was truly alone when he had his finger on the trigger. So alone that he didn’t even think.
He just listened to the roar of the outgoing bullets and the bullet meant for him. He listened and the sounds were of ghosts screaming.
The ghost of the bullet that didn’t find him then had followed him home and now haunted him in his sleep.
His ghosts were both real and imagined. He was not sure which had the most denizens. He knew the ones in his mind were beyond what he could count. Their screams were persistent, incessant, and unrelenting.
He had survived.
Most of the Tango boat crews had not. He felt relief at having lived and guilt at his survival.
He now saw through different eyes and thought with a very different mind.
He had joined the Navy to avoid the battle in Vietnam. The “contract” he signed was to become a Nuclear Reactor Operator and then go on to college to be an Officer.
He wanted to become an Engineer.
He now was back in the US, in his apartment. It was morning and he was soaking in sweat. His pillow and bed were one wet puddle.
He had survived but Hell had come home with him and visited almost every night.
He remembered his mother’s quiet voice telling him, “you get back what you sow.”
He was one of the lucky ones. Lucky to have only the ghosts that haunted his mind.
For him there were no heroes. There were no parades. There were many dead, there were many horribly injured and many more mentally affected survivors.
They had all been useless cannon fodder.
He knew the US lost the war and so did all the Vietnamese. There was enough death, misery and bitterness living on, in both countries.
He later learned that the US dropped more bombs on that small country than was dropped in Europe during WWII. It spread defoliant chemicals called agent orange to defoliate the jungle and created a legacy of birth deformation and cancers to those exposed.
He was one of those exposed to Agent Orange.
He did not like to think about the misery and millions of deaths he had participate in perpetrating on the people in that small distant country called Vietnam.
Though it was over, for Ian the memories were part of his continuing mental landscape. There was the daily vision of the bright sunlight, the deep blue sky speckled with puffy white clouds. There was the breeze blowing his hair and cooling his skin.
There was also the black in the back of his mind and the noises of pain and suffering coming from that unfathomable darkness.
He feared the rattling of his mind. He imagined that everyone talked to their mind, but no one ever publicly admitted it and fewer probably had a mind that talked back and taunted them about their weakness.
He knew few people that had the kind of dissonance thundering inside their minds as he did. He kept this dissonance under his control and spoke to no one about it.
He knew his mind was damaged. He certainly was not going to let any Navy psychologist test him. He hoped time would be the therapy he required.
He developed a level of control that allowed him to appear normal to the people around him.
He could split and control his personality and be whoever he needed to be when he needed to be. He could be himself or be we and bounce around as needed.
He created his reality the way he needed it to be. He knew he had to get out of the Navy and travel the rest of his life journey in his own way.
He no longer fit the mold of the normal person.
He got out of the Navy and went on his own to get an engineering degree.
He went to junior college to get started.
Good luck seemed to find him, and he was accepted into Stanford.
He was older than most students on the campus and a loner.
He was studious and liked the quiet of the library where he could observe people remotely. The rows of books spoke to him about the depth of the human experience.
The quiet allowed him to maintain control.
The library was an oasis for his mind.
It was at the library where he met the woman of his dreams.
Not his dark dreams but the dreams of hope. She was the one he had always hoped to find.
She walked in while he was studying at the first table past the entrance. He could not take his eyes off of her. When she left with a clutch of books, He stopped his studies and followed her to the Student Union. There he mustered his courage and approached her and in a quavering voice asked her out to dinner.
Months later she told him that his intensity had scared the Hell out of her, but she was somehow compelled to accept his dinner offer.
Less than nine months later, during a thunderous rainstorm that was flashing lightening and scouring the earth with hail, and soul piercing thunder as if it were trying to stop him, he proposed to Lesley Madison.
He looked up at her slender physique and almost black eyes that were perfectly set on either side of a trim nose that clearly complemented her slim face framed by black hair, and almost fainted when she said yes to his marriage proposal.
Her acceptance made him the happiest he had ever been. Bright, warm sunshine pushed the darkness to a corner of his mind.
Lesley was almost the same age as him. They had both been on their own for ten years but were still close to their families.
They decided on the date and location for the wedding. Then they went through the meet the family routine.
They went out to dinner with her parents. During dinner, her mother began asking about his background and his time in Vietnam.
That night Ian had one of his sweat-soaked nightmare dream sessions. Ian thought he had that part of his brain under lock and key, but it made its presence known and assured him that it would always be there.
Ian stepped aside as the wedding planning went into full swing.
The December Maui destination wedding insured that only the very closest friends were selected. This was Ian’s idea and Lesley immediately accepted. It was his way of limiting the stress that might trigger another undesired flash back.
He received an unsigned congratulations letter with a “Wedding Bonus” from a mysterious benefactor.
It was a check for twenty-five thousand dollars!
Ian had no idea who might have sent it. He put it away. He had no clue who would send him such a sum. It remained a mystery for quite some time.
Maui was the perfect location. Wailea Beach, with the subdued waves and periodic black lava rocks jutting out into the water provided the perfect romantic place for a wedding.
The weather cooperated and the rhythmic sound of the small morning waves washing up on the beach set the beat for the wedding vows. Ian kept looking from his bride to the sun rising over Mt Haleakalā as he listened to the pastor leading him through his vows.
His blissful happiness made him worry that it might be the calm before the storm.
He would always remember the early morning wedding on the beach and their getaway on a sunset catamaran ride. The sun setting below the horizon between the island of Maui and Lanai painted the clouds yellow, orange and red.
The rainbow coming out of the side of the Mauna Kahalawai volcano would forever be imprinted in his mind.
To him it was a clear sign that he was blessed.
He mentally laid this scene over the black door holding his darker memories.
The honeymoon was followed by two more years of going to school. He would ride his bike to the University, swim a mile each morning and then go to class for the day.
That experience was therapeutic.
He began to repair his mind as best he could. Lesley was a gentle warm breeze blowing on him. Energy surged within his mind and he had the strength to build a stronger wall between the dark area and the new area filled with a warm embracing light.
Every mind-numbing mile he swam also helped him gain control.
Then with no warning, his life took another surprising turn.
It was not yet time to be interviewing for a job, but he was approached in the student union and given an invitation for dinner to talk about a unique opportunity. He had no clue who was doing the inviting.
He talked it over with Lesley and they decided he should go and listen to what the offer might be.
Later that evening he sat in the restaurant looking across the table at a non-descript, plain looking balding man with almost grey eyes.
He looked at the succulent, rare fillet mignon topped with fried onions and mushrooms, thin slices of spicy fried potatoes and five white spears of asparagus. It was a dinner that seemed to communicate a warning of what was to come.
The person sitting across from him made a job offer, not for the Engineering degree that he was working so hard for. Instead, it was for his military experience, his hand-to-hand Aikido skills, his marksmanship, and his apparent ability to control his mental state.
He had somehow become noticed by an organization that remained nameless. The offer included paying for his educational expenses and for future services rendered. Services rendered meant solve the problem given to him in any manner that suited him, but the solution had to be final and had to stick.
There was a sizable signing bonus and a payment after each solution.
Grey eyes looked at him with a smiled and told him that he should go ahead and cash the thirty thousand dollar check he had been given for his wedding.
Ian asked some clarifying questions. It was clear he was being recruited as a sleeper agent. He now knew who had sent him the thirty thousand dollar wedding gift. He said that he would think about cashing it if he chose to accept the hand of the devil.
He also realized the offer was much better than he would get for his Engineering degree.
When he thought about the meal, he saw how appropriate it was to the offer he had decided to accept. The meal was a bloody piece of warm red meat, topped with fried legumes, often associated with the death and a vegetable that came straight up out of the ground, like the fingers of a white skeletal hand reaching out of the grave.
In this case Ian figured it was his soul that was being recruited.
He again asked about the conditions and whether he could continue his education.
The reply reaffirmed the fact that his continuing education was a good thing and would be looked upon favorably.
He should go on with life as normal.
Occasionally he would be called on to solve problems that could otherwise not be solved.
He would choose and implement the solution and then return to his normal life.
Ian accepted the terms and conditions. He was not sure it was real. There was no contract, no signatures, no contacts, and no medical physical was needed.
At least Grey eyes had a firm handshake and looked Ian directly in the eyes. Grey eyes was the selling point for Ian.
Grey Eyes had not looked away from him during his questioning.
He went home and described the situation to Lesley. He told her only half of the story.
He told her about the half that dealt with their personal bank account and the payment for their educational expenses.
Lesley was inquisitive about what Ian would be doing for this mysterious organization but quit asking when it was clear she had gotten all she would get from him.
For a few days he wondered if it had been a trick of his mind but a week later, he received mail with the information of his two new bank accounts. There was a personal use account with enough money to cover the cost of living and of going to his University for the next two years.
His second account showed a one-million-dollar balance.
That was alarming!
He had access to more money than he had ever dreamt of. The problems he was to face must be large and potentially expensive to execute.
It seemed he had sold his soul and apparently it was worth a million dollars.
He wondered if the devil had grey eyes!
He had questions but he had no contact to call and ask. He had been told to, “Spend whatever you need to be successful at solving the assigned problem. He was not to be limited by money. When the time comes you will be given more instructions and the connections you need.”
Ian Sinclair, a lean two hundred-pound, six-foot two frame, with sandy blond hair and sky-blue eyes was now officially a “Problem Solver.”
He again wondered about the type of problems he was to solve.
Being the old guy in all his classes meant that Ian was most often on his own.
Those few who somehow learned about his involvement in Vietnam and wanted to make an issue about his time there quickly learned that trash talk did not affect him. He ignored the people that wanted to get his goat. He was just surprised at how many there were that were trying.
The one physical confrontation with three very physically fit bullies ended in their humiliation as he used one hand to face slap all three of them into submission as he repeatedly threatened more harm if they continued. When he was through with them, they were totally humiliated, and he made them apologize for their rude behavior.
The laughter of the crowd that gathered and watched had the effect that there were no other incidents.
He became known as a deadly fighter! He learned of this and wondered how a hand slapping performance made him deadly.
One of those watching was Lesley.
She came up afterwards and gave him a hug. She knew that he had kept himself in check. She had found his wet pillows and had learned about the internal mental self-control he exerted.
Now she had witnessed him constrain himself when confronted by the three bullies. It comforted her to know he had such strong self-control. She knew that he could have just as easily killed his attackers.
She quietly told him she loved him.
Ian let her warmth flow into him, and he put the blanket back on top of the darkness in his mind.
He had come so close to killing the three that it took him almost a month to feel back in control.
That day he took her hand and they walked to the student union for lunch.
When the final year began, Ian knew he wanted more and that once he left the University environment he would never return.
He decided to continue and get a master’s degree.
He thought about his problem-solving agreement and wondered who to contact.
He decided just to register.
He did and was accepted.
He waited to see if there would be any communication from his mysterious employers or if his bank accounts would be closed.
He got his answer when his personal bank account went up enough to cover his expenses for graduate school.
He was not too surprised to know he was being monitored. He wondered how close the monitoring might be.
He had no idea what he would do with a master’s degree in Control Systems but that is what interested him. He had a great thesis sponsor which made the experience fun.
He put the control theory and logic to use in controlling his mind. He realized that the thesis was about his mind, and he would need to control it if he were to remain functional.
The blackness seemed to shrink but it still periodically flared.
He had learned to control and edit his dreams.
He could now stand in the dark, alone, and listen.
He no longer sweat profusely in his dreams.
There were still those rare nights where he knew he was into his full nightmare mode. On those nights he would lose control but now his body would wake him up.
His master’s degree became focused on “Ian’s” mind control. He did not share that part with anyone, least of all his sponsor.
Lesley graduated and went to work for a local law firm. She was well thought of and was soon on her way to be the first woman partner in the firm.
He continued to focus on his master’s degree thesis.
He interviewed with several oil companies, several power generation companies, jet engine builders and one consumer goods company.
The lowest salary offer was the one he took.
The top company in Cincinnati made the offer to put his control system master’s degree focus into use.
It was a big enough company that it also seemed to have the broadest opportunity for him.
Lesley and he made the move to Cincinnati and rented a home in the Finneytown area near the company’s technical center and the Ivorydale plant location.
A week after getting to Cincinnati, he received his first problem solving assignment.
He held the message in his hand. All it said was “Come when you are ready.”
It was simply a set of driving instructions to a Maine location, a help phone number and a cryptic statement that put fear in my heart; “trust no one.”